ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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