Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
