I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
