I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
