A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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