I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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