i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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