When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
