i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
