If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
