someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This is my gift to your gina
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
