remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
