Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
