Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
