I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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