please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Randomize
