My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Text me some of your sweat
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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