Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have post one night stand depression
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