Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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