I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
