he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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