so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Randomize
