I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
