Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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