phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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