hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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