I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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