bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
