Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
