Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
