i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
