this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
