i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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