no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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