dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I need to align my fucking chakras
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
