while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
