my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
3pm strippers are depressing
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
