at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
