fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
