I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
