I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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