Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
