I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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