Pregnant stripper...not hot.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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