Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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