i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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