wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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