I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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