i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
