I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
