So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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