i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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