Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
