i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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