New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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