My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
No subtext here. People are naked.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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