watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
