Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
