sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
