i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
